and suddenly it's 2017

So... uh, yeah. I'm sure no one noticed I wasn't posting, leaving this blog to the abandoned blog wilderness.

A lot of things happened since 2011. I bought a house. I was the best man at a Las Vegas Elvis wedding for a couple of friends. I got laid off from my job of 24 years, My mother was sick for awhile, and now she's better and still kicking at almost 89. Worked a bunch of temp jobs, and have been at my current job for 2.5 years. Broke my right arm, due to being a klutz. Fell a few more times in the past couple of years, due to being a klutz. Turned 60.

A lot of life. A lot of stress. Am now weighing 318 pounds. Sleep apnea doctor is sending me to a diet doctor. I'm not happy--I have not tried to lose weight for years, because the feelings I have about it in 2011 still apply. It's discouraging. It's futile. Pushing a boulder up a steep cliff for the rest of my life would be easier.

And yet. There is the sleep apnea. There is the high blood pressure and high cholesterol. There is the fact that walking, climbing stairs, and stooping down are damn difficult. Most of it would happen anyway--there is arthritis in the family, as well as high blood pressure. So something has to be done. Whether it's actually losing weight or figuring out how to live with it so that I can just live a life and not allow it to stop me, I have to be the one who wins, not the fat, not society and its prejudices.

on quitting (at least temporarily), or, I ain't gonna study dieting no more

I guess it could be summed up in three words: I've had it. Had it with saying no with no difference whatsoever. Had it with working out and hurting myself in the process. Had it with the false hope, false starts, feeling guilty for eating, feeling guilty for not working out enough. Had it with every plan proclaiming their way is the only way--sounds a bit like religion.

So maybe organized dieting is not for me. What is? I don't know. I mean, I know what to do. We all know. But if I can't do it alone and can't do it in a group, then what's next?

Meanwhile, I'm going to enjoy the holidays. Weight Watchers-free, Curves-free. Instead of jumping into a "program" the first of the year, I'm going to see what I can come up with that will work for me, and the heck with paying money and sitting in a group, or paying to hurt myself trying to keep up with the computer program. I don't want to be skinny. That is not the way I'm built, even when I weigh less. I just want to feel better.

This has been brewing for quite awhile. It came to a head when I got treated for sleep apnea this fall. The doctor wants to send me to--wait for it--Weight Watchers. No. Just... no. It hasn't been working for a long time, and I can't seem to get excited about doing the work. It's great, it works for awhile, better than any other program I've done... but no. I'm burned out. Otherwise, the sleep apnea treatment is great. Should have had a sleep study and a CPAP years ago. Maybe even decades ago. 

The best thing is I have more energy, which instead of exercising, has been going towards the upkeep on a new house. Not enough more energy, mind you, and my back still complains any time I do something more intensive than doing laundry. And, to top it off, I think I'm getting the family arthritis. Oh, joy. Still, there is the promise of more energy yet. And winter is coming--lots of snow shoveling in the future. My back will not love that, even with an electric shovel. Still, exercise is exercise, and it all counts. Maybe after a winter of tending to the driveway and sidewalk, circuit training will be a piece of cake.

Test

Testing Droid app. As you were.

catching up...

When I started this blog, sometime a million years ago it seems, I was yet again trying to lose weight, get fit, the whole healthy living thing. I suck at all that. It's 2011, I'm back to the weight I started at, got a CPAP machine for sleep apnea, bought a house, got my mother through stage 1 breast cancer and the loss of her older sister. That was just this year, a year that I'll be more than happy to see the end of (except for the buying the house part, mostly).

The best year was 2008, when I went to London in mid-October, of all the crazy times. Did lots of walking and sightseeing, ate and drank anything, discovered Weight Watchers in the UK had bacon in the supermarkets under their brand. The weather there was mostly uncharacteristically beautiful, though I did get a bit of the more usual rainy and cold weather the last two days. It's not cheap, but I could live there. Of course, as a tourist, I can say that; really living there might be a different story.

So, where to from here?

Honestly, I'm not sure. I stopped going to Weight Watchers this year. I can't quite get behind the whole "lose weight and everything would be better" thing, but I can't do the fat liberation, "I'm fat and just fine--deal with it" thing, either. I don't think losing weight is the solution to everything, but it would help with some things. It's trying to find that happy medium between spending every waking hour worrying about food and exercise, and letting myself die.

And, well... good luck with that, I suppose.

more than two years, huh?

Yeah, I guess so. The last post was in July 2007, and even then I was backsliding. Badly. I almost was back to my starting weight of 270-something (not in the mood to look it up). Then, of all weird things to happen, I had all four wisdom teeth pulled this summer. People, not being able to eat anything that isn't liquid or soft does have an effect. So does being in too much pain to go make or fetch milkshakes or other high-calorie stuff. So between the beginning of July 2009 and now, I lost... what, 18 pounds? And right now I'm holding fairly steady, since I've been using this as an opportunity to break old habits, like chocolate and fancy coffee on demand.

I'm not depriving myself, but I'm trying to resist the urge for certain foods every time I want them. Not always easy. But I'm working on it, and now that I've been eating solid food for awhile now, I'm finding that my weight isn't jumping up and down and all over the place as it was. Not now, anyway. If I can just lose steadily for awhile, or even just stay put, I'll probably feel better, no matter where my weight ends up.

That is all.

backwards...

I'm gaining instead of losing at the moment. Lately I've been having a hard time with food, and food has been winning. Very discouraging.

the first three letters of diet are d-i-e... coincidence?

A few of you know I have some issues with my weight. I've been on Weight Watchers for a couple of years now, lost 55 pounds, put back 10 of them. I still need to lose somewhere between 80 and 100 more. Right now I'm going through some serious boredom with the whole losing weight thing, after having been on a long, long plateau where I keep going back and forth with the same damn 10 pounds that don't want to go anywhere.
Still, even with that, I'm hanging in there. I feel better than I did at 273, and if I didn't stick with at least what I'm doing now, I would have gained all of it back instead of just 10 pounds. But right now I feel like "good grief, can't I just be DONE already?"--really a terrible attitude, when losing weight is something that takes much longer and is less fun than putting pounds on. And I go back and forth on exercise. When I can finally get myself to just go work out, I start feeling better, but it's so easy to find reasons not to go. So lately on my break I started walking the walking trail we have at my workplace. The weather has been lovely in the mornings lately, and by about 9:30 I'm ready to get away for about 10 minutes. The first week I hurt--a good sign I was out of shape more than I thought I was. Last week, I walked the path a bit quicker, and without the aches and pains of the previous week. Hopefully, by the end of the month I'll be ready to face the fitness center at work again, even if I have to kill my fellow exercisers who insist no session is worthwhile if they can't watch Dr. Phil, Oprah, or Judge Judy at the same time.
Meanwhile... I want some chocolate dammit!!!